He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
