I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
