My balls are so social today.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
