Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
