sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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