I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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