it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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