So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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