At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
