i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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