i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
