I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
