I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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