So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
