last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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