she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Two words: blizzard sex
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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