they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
