I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize