I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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