4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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