i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
