pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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