my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
