if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
