your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He felt like a one man threesome
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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