Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize