why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
