I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
