Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
