god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
