I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
