I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
