When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
