you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
