She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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