I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
