Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
MIDGETS
????
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
