would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
