He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
