I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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