If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
