Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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