do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
