Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize