My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
