How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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