Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
