don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
