ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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