I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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