I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
