I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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