I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
