1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
