I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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