you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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