I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize