Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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