I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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