I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
