Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
