if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
